It's been forever

Some days I just don’t know what the hell is going on. I have been at a stall pretty much a standstill for almost a month. I’m down about 84-85 lbs since my first consult, 74-75 since my pre-op appointment a couple days before surgery.

I feel like I’m going to be the first person that screws up the surgery. I really can’t say that I eat bad sometimes I can eat sometimes I can’t. A support website I go to a lot of people seem to think that I’m not taking in enough calories when I work out and that is making my body hold on to every last calorie I take in. I’m seriously considering going on a liquid diet for a couple days to see if that triggers my body to start adjusting again.

This week I haven’t made it to the gym not because I’m a loser but because I’ve had a horrible tummy pain since Saturday night. It has gotten a lot better but it’s still there in some shape way or form.

So that is all that is happening with that at the moment. Sometimes I wonder if the surgery was worth it then I think back just 4 months ago at how unhappy with myself I was. I’m so much happier clothes are fitting and some clothes I can’t wear because they are too baggy like my favorite jeans are a no longer can wear. Some of my t-shirt are huge on me but I still wear them because we all know me and baggy clothes. I’m just not comfortable wearing form fitting stuff yet.

Well Saturday I am going to start hitting the gym, Dieter is going to show me how to use the leg machines at the gym and we will go from there. I’m going to do 1 hour of cardio a day at least 5 days a week minimum and try to lift weights every other day. Dieter is going to help me out with a plan.. So here is to getting my ass moving again.

Well it’s that time Dieter is texting me about going to go put gas in the vehicles so I’m outta here for now..

Stay Tuned!!

I will take some pictures maybe this weekend I just hate having to fix my hair and makeup just to take a couple of pics!!

Luvs to those that are actually reading this..

Tommie =)

It's been awhile....

It’s been way to long…..

Well since this is my journey blog, I will tell you about that and leave all the other stuff for my other blog, which can be found at http://tommiestwistedthoughts.blogspot.com/ ..

First off, until today I wasn’t sure how much I’ve lost because our scale at home broke and I haven’t replaced it, which is good. I don’t obsess about weighing myself all the time. So today I according to my PCM scale I have lost a grand total of 65 lbs since I began my surgery. Meaning since my first initial consult with Dr. Warnock.

I actually even took some pictures, which I have posted on my facebook. I’m not a picture taker but my friends had been hounding me forever to do it.

This is by no means an easy journey but it’s the right one for me. I haven’t been faithful with the gym like I need to me but plan on changing that here shortly. It’s just hard to go all the time with the kids or when I wake up with a headache, I can’t find the motivation. I’m going to get a trainer since they are free on base. I just need to get the “everyone’s staring” crap out of my head.

The food issues I have are getting easier and I’m really learning what I can eat and what are no good for me. Hell I still have to make myself slow down, that is easier said then done but it’s a work in progress.

Well my bed is calling my name and so is my husband so that’s all for now. I will be a better blogger…

Tommie =)

Another Year Older!

Today the day after my dreaded birthday, I’m officially 32 years old and 1 day. God I remember when I thought being in your 30’s was old and here I sit already 2 years into it. I’m not really complaining I just feel old I guess.

Yesterday I came into the living room to find a banner that reads “happy birthday mom” Ambie, made it for me. They had been working on cards since Sunday and I have to say they are so much better than store bought ones. Dieter had to do work so I spent the day with the kids at home and running some errands.

Dieter took me out to dinner just the two of us it’s kind of our tradition. After a nice dinner, we went to Wal-Mart I tell you living life on the edge. When I got home, my best friends’ daughter sang “happy birthday” to me and it was a great way to end my night.

Ok enough about my birthday this week I have set a few goals for myself because I’ve been a gym/workout slacker. Things are just hard to do in summer with so many kids around all the time. Maybe that is why I’m up so damn early because the house is quiet and I love me some quietness.

My first goal is to get to the gym every day and do an hour of cardio. I am also going to talk about getting a trainer because I need to start lifting weights again. Dieter wants to do it with me but he wants to go to the gym at 5 in the morning that will just kill my sleepy time. I probably will go with him once he actually starts going himself.. I am going to have to get into nag mode I suppose.

My cousins wedding is in August and I would love more than anything to go out there for it. I’m trying to save some money on the side but that is always hard especially when it’s right as the kids get ready to head back to school and I have to get school supplies and clothes. Hopefully it will work out because I want to spend some time with Grandma and Grandpa.

We’re planning a trip back home the weekend of July 4^th. So if you are in Albuquerque and wanna get together even though time is limited for us we will figure something out. Drop me a message and I can give you my cell #.

So breakfast is sitting here next to me staring at me.. I have once again started my protein drinks, I have yet to try this one, and Dieter isn’t home to try it for me guess I have to put my big girl panties on and take a drink. So I’m going to end this for now and starting next week, I am going to weigh myself and tell ya’ll the results good, bad and the ugly.

My thoughts are all over the place if you already can’t tell.. Sunday I talked to a good friend and she asked if I would recommend the surgery to someone that was already seriously considering it. Personally even with the first couple of weeks being pure hell for me it was the right thing for ME to do for myself. I’ve fought with the decision to tell people that I had it done. As I have said many times before this by no means is the easy way out. If you have the discipline to keep to the guidelines it will be a wonderful TOOL, but if you can’t really would it be worth it. This is a huge learning process for me and I learn more with every passing day. Ok now that is enough rambling from me. I am going to try to blog at least every other day to keep my goals insight for me….

Have a great Tuesday!

1 month yesterday....

June 11, 2009 ~ marked the day that it's been a whole month since surgery sometimes it seems a lot longer, and sometimes it seems like it was yesterday. During this past month I have become A LOT less emotionally attached to food. Now I make myself eat or at least try to on some things, but I don't enjoy it as much as I once did. It's funny how at the beginning of the surgery I never thought about how much I rely on food to make me feel better. It's a tough habit to break but I know that I think I have come to terms that I don't live to eat, I now eat to live. I can only take small amounts of food and I'm upping my protien drinks and taking my vitamins.

Yes surgery will help me lose weight quicker than diet and exercise but after the first year it will take work to keep me down to where I wanna be. It's not a quick fix by any means and it was right for me, once I get to near where I want to be I will share my embarrassing weight with you and I'm sure you will see why.. Plus my family medical history once you know it you will soon figure out why I'm afraid to be turning 32 on Monday....

It's funny how much thinner my face has gotten since my surgery, that was the first thing I noticed that I lost a lot of weight in my face and you can tell. I don't really notice it in my body other than some of my clothes is bigger than it once was but not big enough I don't wear it. Hell I hate form fitting clothes any ways so it's going to be hard to give up clothes that will soon no longer fit me.

Well I'm entertaining the possibility of getting a migraine hopefully my tylenol works so I can get one with my day. Dieter and I get to go shopping for our healthy meals that we're going to try this week. My husband is one of my inspiration he has been able to lose almost 40 lbs since we moved here. He loves to cook and loves to make new things. So since my taste buds have changed so much I'm going to give a try to things he enjoys making even if it's sea food I will give it a taste....

To all those that are supporting me thank you it means alot. I love you all...
Tommie =)

Been Busy...

Things have been a little busy in my house the past few weeks. My nephew Larry graduated high school. We’ve raised him since my sister Shawnie lost her battle with Hodgkin’s Disease and he was in the beginning of 4th grade. I know that her and my mom are both looking down on us with huge smiles of pride on their faces while they watched him receive his diploma. We had family in and I was able to handle eating pretty well, which was nice.

I visited Dr. Warnock on 5/29 and according to his scale I was down 27 lbs, my scale says better things hehe. I’m not supposed to weigh myself unless I’m at the Dr. Office but I can’t follow that rule. I have been going to the gym every other day doing at least an hour of cardio. Tonight I’m starting to lift weights again, I know I will be sore as hell come tomorrow but I have done it before and can work through the pain. No pain no gain, I want to feel the burn, those phrases make me laugh and think of my awesome trainer Jennifer that I had while Dieter was in Iraq.

On the 11th, I will be 1 month out of surgery. Not many people know that I went ahead and had gastric bypass but it was the RIGHT decision for me. If anyone thinks it’s the easy way out then they should would a day in my shoes. Things aren’t get surgery get skinny.. Its get surgery, heal, lose weight re-learn how to look at food and eat all over again. Things that I once loved I can no longer even like the smell. Things I used to love to drink are no more because they don’t taste good to me anymore. Water has been my friend since surgery and I really never stray from it.

I have always had a weight problem but it never bothered me until I wasn’t able to slide down slides with Dj, chase after him, or play with him. Hell, I would never go near a swimming pool and yet down 27 lbs I’m looking for a suit because he should not suffer because of the choices I made long before I had him.

I want to be the parent that is involved and not hiding behind her weight because she is so ashamed about being so fat and is afraid if she is seen with her kids she is going to embarrass them because of her size. This is something that I have always fought with. I want to be more involved but afraid I will just embarrass my kids and cause them to have social issues at school all because I couldn’t say no to the fast food that was once calling my name.. I will never again be the parent that hides behind all the other parents so I don’t embarrass my kids.

This is the new me nothing will change about me other than my size and my yearning to live a better life. I know that some people will make quick judgments about me now but that will be something they will have to live with. I’m a wonderful person no matter my weight and I want to truly shine with dropping a few pounds.

Days seems to get better

The past few days have been "good" days. I've been able to try and eat a few more things which is nice but I'm still trying to figure out how to get all my protein and water in daily. Protein is my biggest problem because things taste so strong and sweet to me. I have only drank water since my surgery and have been so wanting a Dr. Pepper or a sweet tea and both of those are big no-no's.

My next appt is a week from today and I'm looking forward to it because I have a lot of questions which I will write down cuz I always seem to forget. I feel like I call them with stupid questions all the time. I think I'm right on track on losing and healing. Next week Im going to become faithful and walk a lot more than I do now it's just so darn hot outside it's hard to wanna get out into it.

This week was the first time EVER I told my husband what my weight was at pre-op. He keeps telling me no matter the numbers he loves me and doesn't ever or hasn't ever viewed me as fat, that I'm perfect the way I am/was. I'm grateful to have such a great husband.

Alright that is all for now... Check back soon for updates... =)

something I wrote last week

I had my surgery on May 11, 2009.... Now I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do and would love to have a reversal. I have so many emotions running through me that I just can't get a handle on. Maybe that is part of the process I just don't know.. I feel helpless not like myself.

I can't sleep because I don't own a recliner and I can't lay flat on my back without causing every other part of my body to hurt. I sleep only a couple hours at a time in the living room on a chair.. It's not comfy but at least I can sleep for 2 hours a night right. I try to nap but get woken up by the kids being loud well just being kids I guess.

My husband is to go back to work on Monday but I don't feel emotionally ready to be alone with my 3 yr old all day. I only take my pain meds at night because I don't feel that I need them during the day and once he goes back to work I will have to cut that out because I have to take kids to and from school.

I've really tried to be positive but after pretending all day the real me emerged with all my self doubt. I think I dove into this surgery too quickly after meeting with the surgeon only about 2 1/2 weeks.. But I had been in the process of getting it done before we got orders to move here to Sheppard AFB, TX. So I had done a lot of research on it well before hand.

I want to be happy looking into the furture but I can't see past the I can't sleep... I don't get enough fluids even though I drink all day. I'm afraid to eat even with the Bypass Diet sheet right in front of me. I long for the test of pizza while the aroma fills my house even though I'm not hungry that is the only smell I have been able to tolerate.

If I could go back in time I would have back out of the surgery and been 100% ok with it. Maybe I am just supposed to be a fat woman and I didn't think I was ok with that but I have come to accept it over the years. I feel so isolated I only have my husband that I know here and I feel cut off from all my friends from back home. At least if we were still in SC i would have the support of my friends.

My husband tries but when I'm crying he gives me a hug and tell me to stop because It will be worth it to me in a couple of weeks. I know tha tis probably the case but don't dismiss my feelings so quickly.... I can't sleep but he has not once offered to sleep in the living room with me so I wouldn't be alone. I feel so damn alone that all I want to do is curl up in a ball and not be bothered by anyone.. Too bad it hurts too much to do that all I can do is walk, sip and sit on the chair and try to get some sleep but that isn't working none of it. Maybe I'm afraid of faliure after this and lose the weight just to regain it all later.

Hell if I know I'm just really emotional and have no where to turn but my blog here. People that aren't close family or friends don't even know I had the surgery because I am afraid they would think I took the easy way out over diet and exercise.... Just put me out of my misery for another day I guess fuck I don't know....

Guess getting my feelings out in the open here are better than botteling them up... I just don't know....

Part 2

Well since I have been home there have been a lot of emotional up and downs... More downs but there are some ups. It's hard to say goodbye to the one thing that made me feel happy and relieved the stress I was feeling for so long. It's like losing that one friend that you can tell anything to. At least that is how it feels for me...

Friday May 15, was my follow up appt and Dr. Warnock was happy with my progress and removed the rest of the staples I had. I couldn't cringe because Dj was in the room with me and I didn't want him to freak out if he thought I was being hurt. Dj loves to protect me from everyone.

I have been off my pain meds since Saturday and finally getting some sleep because before Monday the only sleep I would get was 2-4 hours at the most a night. IT was really driving me insane. Tylenol PM works wonders for me and so happy I can take it cuz it knocks me out when I'm having problems.

So that is about as up to date as I got for now...

Today it's a good day so far waiting to call and ask a couple questions to the nurse and go from there. There is still some slight uncomfortableness but I'm dealing with it. I still can't bend over so my house looks like a tornado went through it owell it will get cleaned and it's not all that bad just not clean enough for me...

So that is where I stand.... I'm 10 days post op and feel a lot better things are slowly moving in the right direction..

I'll start from the begining ~ Part 1~

April 21, 2009 - I had my first consultation with the surgeon. I was going in knowing what I wanted which was the lap band. After discussing it and hearing what he thought would be best for my success I began thinking about gastric bypass. When they called the following week to set up surgery dates because Tricare had already approved it. I decided that I wanted gastric bypass.

The craziness began May 4 went in for an ultrasound for my gallbladder...
May 6 went in for my pre-admit at the hospital and a nutrition class and then my pre-op appointment with my doctor who is Dr. Warnock.

Monday May 11th I woke up extra early to shower before heading to the hospital. I was nervous but didn't want to stress Dieter out about it because he was pretty tense I could tell. We went back to a room about 5:30 or so and I got to change into a wonderful gown with just my socks on. Dieter and I dozed on and off until about 9 and that's when the party started. Two nurses came to hook me up to an iv which was brutal, gave me a shot and then something to relax. I was next so it would be anytime from there on out. About 10 or 1030 they came and wheeled me down to the surgery waiting area. I talked to all the nurses seen the dr and the anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist put something in my iv, i kissed Dieter goodbye. I remember being wheeled into the OR room and moving to the OR table but then nothing until I woke up.

Boy was I in a lot of pain when I woke up it felt like I had been hit by a semi and that isn't even an exaggeration. Every time I would fall asleep the O2 monitor would go off because my o2 levels went low. So I had to sleep at a huge incline and take deep breaths when it would go off. I was moved into a room after I wanna say a couple hours but I was so out of it I don't know. Dieter stayed with me until I sent him away to come home to check on DJ. All I did was sleep but they did get me up and had me walk before I went to sleep for the night.

Tuesday May 12, was a little better still in some pain but not as bad. I took a shower and felt refreshed and relaxed. I did a lot more walking throughout the day but getting out of the bed was horrible. They took out the cath and in IV which meant no more pain pump.

Wednesday May 13, rolled around and Dr. Warnock came to check on me and told me that I would be discharged. I waited around for awhile and the nurse came in. He removed every other staple placing steristrips in their place. He also took my drain out it hurt a little but it was strange all rolled into one. Then the IV after the paper work was finished Dieter was on his way to bring me home. I was so happy to see Dj.